The Power of Choice in Healing Trauma
Sarah Bliss, LPC, LCMHCA
One of the best resources we have – especially those of us living with trauma experience – is the power of choice. As humans, we take our ability to choose for granted. Sometimes, we have the awareness that the choice is ours; however, we avoid it because of anxiety, decision paralysis, or to push off accountability. On the other hand, some of us who have experienced complex trauma get stuck in a trap: we truly don't believe that we have a choice; we fall back into familiar behaviors and habits, and we continue the cycle of trauma.
During these difficult times when a lot seems out of our control, I'm reminding myself of the wisdom of those who survived before us. Viktor Frankl, Holocaust survivor, psychologist, philosopher, and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, once said: "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
Working with PTSD & C-PTSD
Reminding my clients that they have control over their actions is not to shame them, but to empower them to make more aligned choices, break the cycle, and live their best life. Those of us who have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) have experienced moment(s) that were completely out of our control. Perhaps you experienced a terrible car accident that led to a death. Maybe you lived in a home with domestic violence as a child, and there was nothing you could do to stop that violence. Specifically, ongoing traumatic events in childhood often lead to maladaptive coping mechanisms. As children, our brains say: "I am supposed to be safe with my caregivers, but I'm not. I am torn between loving them, and being afraid of them." This is a huge dilemma for a child, who relies on secure attachments with their caregiver(s) to survive.
Many know the "fight, flight, or freeze" response. In traumatic situations, our brains go into a more primitive state, choosing one of these survival methods. Consider the situation mentioned above: there is frequent domestic violence in the family home, and the 8-year-old child is unlikely to try to fight their father, knowing that he is much stronger. The child may flee, if they can, and lock themselves into a room. This can lead to isolation behaviors as a teen or adult when they feel a sense of threat. The child may freeze, unable to escape the situation. Maybe they weren't physically abused themselves, but watched horrible abuse happen before them, unable to move. The freeze response is extremely common and often leaves survivors with an impermeable sense of guilt - like they should have "done something" – but really, it was the brain's way to survive.
Flashbacks
Why does the original event matter? It lays the groundwork for how a person might cope in the future. Having no choice - no way out - of a traumatic situation often embeds within us a deep sense of helplessness, hopelessness, loss of control, terror, and shame. Survivors usually want to avoid these feelings at all costs. In treatment, EMDR is my go-to when targeting these permeating feelings. I have witnessed clients be able to shift their mentality from a "victim" state and truly connect with the power of choice.
The fact that survivors may experience flashbacks or emotional flashbacks makes moving forward complicated. Flashbacks are common in PTSD and involve intrusive imagery, sometimes sounds, and smells, where the person is going through the traumatic event again in their version of reality. A person may act as if the event is happening: yelling or pushing (fight), running (flight), or seemingly paralyzed (freeze). The amygdala (emotions, fear conditioning, memory, stress response) is activated and the pre-frontal cortex (decision-making, impulse control) is suppressed.
Another difficult response happens in C-PTSD where “emotional flashbacks” can take place. This happens frequently. When a person is triggered by a present event, which could be perceived criticism, an argument with a partner, or some kind of loss, the person may feel the intensity of emotion that the original childhood event evoked, without even realizing it. This intensity of emotion is not proportional to the current event, although it was at the time of the original trauma.
Re-Writing the Script
So, how does one choose a reaction when it’s seemingly so automatic? Many folks become disheartened with this. Reacting to flashbacks or emotional flashbacks is certainly difficult; it takes practice, repetition, and a whole lot of self-compassion. However, when you’re able to take back even a little bit of control, it’s incredibly empowering and helps set you up to do the same thing in the future. During a flashback or emotional flashback, it’s important to recognize that’s what it is, just a flashback. You might say, "This is just a flashback; it's not real." I invite you to reorient yourself to the present as best as possible, stating to yourself today's date, where you are located, and even noting specifics about your current physical surroundings. Deep breathing is imperative to lower your heart rate, blood pressure, and subsequently your anxiety. These, along with other grounding techniques, can help you get out of the flashback. You may ask someone to support you when this happens as well, by reminding you out loud that what you're experiencing is a flashback, you are safe, and by providing safe touch, comfort items, etc. Flashbacks can be debilitating, but when you realize that you have a choice with how you cope with them, and how others can support you, it is truly life-changing.
Ending the Cycle
Making these small choices during a flashback may provide some temporary relief. In day-to-day life, it's just as important to realize that you have the power of choice. An example of a cycle that repeats itself frequently is when a person who experienced abuse as a child ends up in a relationship with an abuser, again and again. Psychologically, there are a lot of reasons behind this phenomenon. In this situation, the person must realize that they have control, a choice to leave, or at least choices that can maximize their safety and allow others to help support them. By making these brave decisions, the survivor can break the chain of abuse, which can in turn break the cycle for their children, and future generations.
IFS Therapy for Beginners
(Internal Family Systems)
Sarah Bliss, LPC, LCMHCA, CTP
IFS is a therapy popularized by Dr. Richard Schwartz, based upon the idea that “the mind is not a singular entity or self, but is multiple, composed of parts.” Woah… like multiple identities??? No, not quite. Our parts are more subtle, working together - and sometimes against each other - in order to attempt to stabilize the system.
“Parts work” is not new in the therapy world, and often I will deviate from the IFS model with clients. Parts work is woven into schema therapy, ego state therapy, and more. What I like about IFS is that it gives language to the system and our parts, which makes it easier for clients (and therapists!) to get to know those parts and their role within the system.
Each part has its own beliefs and feelings. Some parts may feel younger, and some may feel older. It’s important to know that each part often strongly feels that it is right, which can lead us to experience a lot of conflicting emotions and engage in behaviors that ultimately do not help the adult “Self.”
According to IFS, our Self is who we are when we are experiencing the 8 C’s: compassion, curiosity, courage, clarity, creativity, connection, calm, and confidence. Some of us are unsure of who Self actually is, what they look like, and what they feel like, which makes sense when our parts have been at the wheel for most of our lives!
Imagine how you feel on a warm sunny day, outside connected with nature. Maybe you are surrounded by loved ones - laughing… reminiscing… making new memories. Or, maybe you are alone - feeling present… feeling gratitude… soaking up the warmth and noticing each unique tree, plant, and animal you come across. For once, your mind is not full of chatter. You are curious about the world around you – nonjudgmental. You feel a sense of pride for taking care of yourself, engaging in this peaceful, much needed time with the Earth. You beam as you look around, feeling a sense of wonder. You feel connected. This is Self.
In IFS therapy, there are three kinds of parts:
Managers - (Protectors)
Managers protect us by attempting to organize and keep us safe. They usually run our day to day lives, attempting to suppress any emotion and pain from our Exiles. Many times, Managers can perform to the extreme, causing us to eventually burn out. Managers may be perfectionistic, critical, people pleasing, and overachieving. If you notice that you are running on “high” - getting things done and being productive; yet neglecting self-care, play, and emotions in general, your Manager is likely in the front seat.
Firefighters - (Protectors)
Firefighters try to protect us in very different ways than Managers, which is likely why they often bump heads. True to their title, Firefighters tend to come out when Exiles are feeling neglected and unheard. Firefighters want to soothe that pain in any way that they can. They act with a sense of urgency. This can lead to more overt behaviors - like addiction, self-harm, and lashing out - and/or more covert behaviors - like disassociating, overeating, oversleeping, or spending hours video gaming and watching TV.
Exiles
I don’t really like the term “exile” but I suppose it’s a fitting label for these injured, often traumatized parts. Exiles tend to be our young parts… child parts. Our systems are set up fairly early on in life in order to protect us from abuse, abandonment, self-hatred, neglect, and so on. Exiles have gone through immense pain, and were often shamed when they showed vulnerability. They do not want to burden others, but they want so badly to be heard. Exiles often internalize that shame, burying it deep down. One of the main goals in IFS is to unburden the Exile(s). With their consent, we can unburden them and finally allow them to be heard.
There are many more aspects of IFS to write on later, this is just an introduction to the language of parts. Parts work can be transformative — it allows Self to finally lead, to sit in the front seat, integrating the knowledge of our parts without letting them take over.
Here’s an invitation to you: start to get to know your own parts, and reflect on the theory of having parts. Does it resonate with you completely, or are you more hesitant? Open-minded curiosity is always a good thing.
With gratitude,
Sarah
Anderson, F., Sweezy, M., & Schwartz, R. (2017). Internal family systems skills training manual trauma-informed treatment for anxiety, depression, PTSD & substance abuse. Ashland: PESI Publishing & Media.
Schwartz, R.C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wellness with the internal family systems model. Sounds True.